Today I am thinking of those who have lost loved ones. I have lost my share of people and pets in my life. It is very painful, so I wrote this article back in 2009 to help others. It appeared in Grief Digest magazine in October of 2011.
So where is the gratitude? The gratitude is that I've come this far in my own grief journey! I hope I can help others dealing with grief!
In today’s society, getting what we want now doesn’t seem to be soon enough. We have learned that we can receive a letter almost instantly, but, at one time, it took days to get word to a nearby town. In this rush- rush society, we have forgotten that people are human beings and not computers. We cannot expect to get over a loss as quickly as pressing the delete key.
It seems that in the midst of the technology explosion, we have begun to expect people to act more like machines than human beings. When the data has been input, we expect it to be over and done with. We understand that sometimes people may encounter a virus (metaphorically speaking) when they are dealing with the first stages of grief. However, we should not expect that person to run the virus scan, find the corrupt file and send it to the recycle bin without feeling the emotions that only time can heal.
Most grievers would say how much they wish the process were that easy, because the feelings that are brought up in the grief process tend to be overwhelming. Many of us would have said that we were going along in our daily lives, and without any preparation, we were thrown into the tornado of grief!
We must take into account that each person is different, and people are not wired in the way of computers. Our emotions are raw and very real, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Because we are all individuals, we cannot expect ourselves to grieve in the same manner as someone else. Also losing the same relationship does not mean our grief process will be the same.
A husband who loses his wife may find himself longing for the companionship that she offered him. He no longer has a hot meal to go home to after work. He doesn’t have someone there to support him in his daily ventures. He misses receiving that phone call at lunch to see how his day is going. He has also lost the mother of his children, the one who made sure the kids had healthy lunches for school, corrected homework, cleaned their clothes, kept track of their schedules, drove them to sporting events and the countless other things a mom does. This husband now has to try to find a way to deal with his own loss and emotions, but he still has a family to take care of. He has to try to fill the shoes that his wife once wore, and high-heeled shoes don’t fit a man’s feet very well.
The child of the woman who has passed on is experiencing a gamut of different emotions that may include fear of the other parent dying, or even of themselves dying. They may feel abandoned and wonder who will take care of them now. Who will make sure they have a healthy lunch, clean clothes and get them to baseball practice? Each child will also have individual concerns. If the child is a female, she may wonder who is going to teach her about the womanly things in life. How to apply makeup, who she’ll talk to when she’s entering puberty, who will be there to help her get dressed for her first date or be there to hold her when the man of her dreams breaks her heart.
As you can see the loss of this one human life has not only been devastating to both the husband and daughter in this situation, but their emotions and needs may vary greatly. This is just one reason that we as a society cannot put a time line on the grieving process.
Though grief can be very personal and individual, there are some things that may help a grieving person. I’ve found that more than anything, I just wanted to have some time to talk about my mom. I didn’t want pity that I’d lost my mom at a young age; that just made me withdraw. I needed to talk about her and the memories I had of the fun times and not-so-fun times we had shared. But it seemed that whenever my mom was brought up, the subject was quickly changed. Nobody wanted to see me upset, so I learned to stuff my emotions deep inside, acting strong for others around me. It is a route I would not suggest anyone take. Several years and countless hours of therapy later, I am still trying to dig through those pent-up emotions.
Not only am I still treading through the waters of grief over losing my mom, but the feelings have been compacted by other losses I’ve had since then.
Seventeen years after losing my mom, it would seem that I should have much more insight and be a pro in the grieving process. However, after losing my father, I found myself again in the ever-changing winds of grief, but this time those winds would take a completely different direction.
During the journey of grief, emotions are on a rollercoaster. It is not uncommon to be having a good day then all of a sudden wind up in tears over some small trigger. For me, life music is a very important part of my daily existence. Many times, when a certain song comes on the radio, it brings a wave of emotion because it was a song that Dad liked. I have also found myself in certain restaurants that Dad and I visited. When I’m seated near a certain booth or have a certain server, a trigger reminds me that the last time I was in this place was with Dad on some specific occasion or shortly before he died. Once again, a seemingly harmless event has triggered another wave of emotion that needs to be felt and dealt with.
If you are with me when this happens, do not look past it as if nothing is going on. When you see my pain, it may be that I need to relive a moment and shed a few tears. Please just offer kind support such as a sympathetic look, a touch on my hand or even a warm embrace. If I choose to tell you about what has triggered my emotional downswing, please do not change the subject to try to get my mind off my feelings, just offer a listening ear. I have lost someone significant in my life and am forever changed because of it. I am learning to live my life without this missing piece, much like an amputee must learn to navigate life without a lost limb.
As a whole, please do not think that people should be “over it” because it has been several months, days or even years. The loss has caused a significant change in their lives, and they will probably never be “over it.”
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| Image courtesy of April Adams |
